Tag Archives: courage

Courage

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I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

Nelson Mandela

 

Courage is a large and powerful word.  It is defined as “mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.”

Courage is a major trait that people need to use in order to make changes in their lives.  In my office, people need a great deal of courage in order to improve the quality of their lives.  In fact, the entire journey is filled with many courageous steps.  Let’s examine the process.

Almost all prospective clients start their counseling process by either calling or emailing.  They inevitably state three words that are hard to say “I need help.” They schedule an appointment. They need to show up for the appointment that they scheduled. (You may or may not be surprised, that there is a percentage of people who cancel that appointment and do not reschedule.)

During that first appointment the person now says out loud and face to face, what their particular struggle/ problem/difficulty/ is that they are facing. The person describes it in full detail, the duration, the intensity, the consequences and implications of this issue.  On one hand, this is overwhelming disclosure; on the other hand there is relief.  Someone now knows.

To illustrate how much courage is required, here is a small sample of some of the issues that came up in my office this past week:

  • A person who wants to stop drinking.
  • A person who wants to get out of a marriage.
  • A person who is dealing with an abusive ex-spouse.
  • A person who is dealing with family issues and lots of family dysfunction.
  • A person who is going to their first 12 step meeting.
  • A person who shares about a traumatic event. I am the first person to hear the details.

Yes I get to meet with some very courageous people!

The question that comes to mind is how do people find the courage and perseverance to make these changes?  Some people would say that they are just motivated to improve.  And while that is obvious, the bigger question would be how did they get so motivated to improve?

Tony Robbins states “Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.”  Courage to change would then occur when there is no way out; I will have to do something better than what I am currently doing.  Although immensely scary, the path of change has to be better than the path that I’m on.  If I keep walking on the path of change, I will recognize that the pain gets smaller, the intensity and duration are less. Does this happen instantly?  Of course not!  Nothing worthwhile is ever fast and quick—fast food may satisfy your immediate hunger, but won’t help you in the long run.  Your commitment to change will require a constant re-evaluation of your courage.

Two other components of courage, are a dedication to change and a hopeful belief system.  At times during therapy, there were opportunities where it would be easy for my clients to stop coming due to the myriad of life stressors (kids, jobs, cars etc), but they kept coming. When they were asked how they managed to keep coming in spite of their pain or fear or discomfort, they expressed the hope that they could and would be better. This belief about their futuristic change combined with their dedication led them to quality of life changes.

It seems to me that when you find your courage to change and believe that your changes are indeed possible, you change. Find your courage today in order to make the changes that you need to make!

 

Change is possible.

 

 

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Darkness into Light

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Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself.

Desiderius Erasmus
Imagine that you walk into a room.  It is dark.  The shades are pulled down.  The curtains are pulled down.  There is no light.  All you see is the darkness.  While in this dark room with out lights, you become aware that you are wearing dark sunglasses to keep out any light that might even creep into the room.   You live in this darkness for days/weeks/months, even years. Why would a person want to stay in this dark room?  It’s safe.  It’s familiar.  You can’t see anything that you don’t want to see.
I’ve worked with people who live in the dark.  They’re very good at it. They miss out on seeing :
  • alcoholism
  • drug addiction
  • anxiety
  • depression
  • sex addiction
  • domestic violence
  • physical or verbal abuse
  • dysfunctional family patterns
  • infidelity
  • things that everyone else sees

With that list of issues, we’d all choose to stay in the dark room of denial, avoidance, lack of awareness, and cluelessness.

Many years ago I worked with a woman whose boyfriend was an intravenous heroin addict.  She said ” I had no idea he used heroin.. He wore long sleeves a lot but I didn’t think much of it..Come to think of it, whenever he was around, I was always short on money… I just thought I’d spent it on something…Now that I’m talking about it, there’s a pair of earrings, I’ve never found.  You don’t think he took them do you? ”    DARKNESS

How about this one.  “I love my wife with all my heart, but she’s been acting strange lately.  She’s always on the phone.  When I ask who she is talking to, she says a friend.  If I walk into the  office and see her writing an email, she’s quick to close the computer down.  Again when I ask her, she says it’s just work.  The other day, she didn’t come home until real late like 2 or 3 in the morning.  When I asked her where she was she hesitated an said she was with her friend Dawn and must have fallen asleep.  She looked awfully dressed up to go out with Dawn by the way.  You don’t think she’s cheating on me do you?  She wouldn’t do that, would she?      DARKNESS

Darkness is pervasive.  We don’t want to know what we do not want to know.  If I don’t look, I don’t see.  If I don’t see, I won’t be upset, or scared, or hurt, or angry.  If I’m this in the dark, I don’t have to do anything to change.  I can live my dark bliss forever.

Is there a cost to living in the dark?  Yes, but if you are in the dark, you don’t recognize the cost.  Ironically you only see the cost, when you find the courage to:

take off the dark glasses

open the blinds

open the curtains

open the shades

When the light comes into your dark room, you begin to see what you don’t want to see and begin to ask the questions that you don’t want to ask.  At that point, the feelings come in and now it’s time to recognize what you didn’t want to see.  The more that you allow the light to come in the more that you can answer the hard questions:

Why did I not see this?

Why did I put myself in this place?

What am I going to do?

Can this situation be changed?

Will I be OK?

Will I ever be the same?

 Asking the questions turns on the lights, and begins your healing,  and your changing.  The more you ask, the more you see, the more you heal.  This process will take time and patience.  You don’t have to do it in one hour, or one day, or one week, or one month, or even in one year.  You owe it to yourself to find the courage to turn on the lights.

Change is possible.

 

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