Category Archives: survivors

No Detours

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Dedicated to LC who didn’t live very long but inspired many

Many years ago Linda was a client that I was working with. She was a very complicated young woman. She had chemical addictions, eating disorders and an assortment of other significant issues. Her chemical addictions were getting out of hand and she needed to go to detox. Linda agreed and assured me that she would go on Monday. On Monday, after she didn’t arrive at the detox, I called her and the conversation went something like this:

Me: What happened?
L :  You know
Me: You took a detour?
L:   Yes
Me: Ok, (pause, pause, pause,)but really you need to go to detox
L:   I know
Me: How about tomorrow
L:   Ok
Me: So you’ll call them now so you can get in tomorrow?
L:   Yes
Me: So you are going tomorrow?
L:   Yes
Me No detours?
L:  No detours

Linda did arrive at detox the next day, she looked like, someone who was on the highway to hell. She completed detox, but soon her multiple issues and continued detours led her to her final highway. She died way too young, unable to deal with many issues that she could not even speak about.

Linda’s detours sadly led to her undoing in a permanent way, but many people that I see don’t listen to their internal gps settings. They appear to be on the verge of getting better only to get off of “Healthy Road” and make several turns on to “Self-Defeating Avenue” or “Self-Destructive Boulevard”. These detours tend to last way longer than necessary and ultimately lead to lots of guilt, shame, remorse, and self-loathing. When people drive back and find “Healthy Road” they generally have to clean up the messes they made from their detour. As people start to clean up those messes they begin to ask themselves the following questions:

• Why did I do that?
• What’s wrong with me?
• Why can’t I succeed?
• Am I doomed to always do this?
• Can I be healthier?

When people bring these questions to my office, we need to do some probing for the answers. We need to look at how their detouring behavior is “wired”— that is what causes this behavior? Is it something from their past? Is it a long standing issue with their self –esteem? Is it from some traumatic event that has occurred? There may be hundreds of hypotheses about the reasons this behavior exists and the mechanisms that keep this behavior going. Once we have an idea about why a person may detour, then we need to identify how to change this. This can be a very painful process because some the issues have never been addressed. It takes great courage, patience, and trust to work through the pain.

Linda never got the opportunity to do this. Her detours to hell, ultimately led to her demise. Her fear and shame led her to take her secrets with her to her death.

As we head for the New Year, we can work to stay on “Healthy Road” with frequent turns towards “Self-Improvement Street” and “Feeling Better About Myself Avenue”. Whatever the issues are, they can be identified, and healed. No one needs to keep detouring from the right path.

Change is possible

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Types of Sexual Abuse

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Types of Sexual Abuse

From Visually.

There are some interesting things to note here:

1)It states that people are 26 times more likely to drink and drug and 13 times more likely to become alcohol dependent–If you look at the data on sexual addiction Carnes 1998  cites 81% of sex addicts in treatment were sexually abused.

2) 1 in 7 women report abuse/28% or men were abused–interestingly these numbers are probably UNDER-REPORTED.

3) note the list of symptoms listed for abuse–these are very common presenting issues that people start therapy with.  In addition note that  anxiety/depression diagnoses are 3 times more likely

if you or some one you know fit the descriptions listed on this info graphic, PLEASE GET HELP

although it will be painful and scary, you can improve your life……

change is possible

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I will survive

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As I was driving today I heard this classic from the Grateful Dead “Touch of Grey”.  It’s a song I’ve heard many times, and like most songs, it fills up space while driving.  However  these lyrics stood out:

I know the rent is in arrears,

the dog has not been fed in years

It’s even worse than it appears

but it’s alright…

I will get by, I will get by, I will get by, I will survive.

 

 

On a cloudy fall day, you can’t beat a song with denial,hope,perseverance, and a mechanism to overcome. Enjoy!

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The fight, Part 2,- The Final Round

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If you missed part 1 you can read it here

Announcer  “I’m here at ringside and in an unprecedented move, the fighters are returning to the ring.  Disease looks confused, but is never one to turn down a fight.  Mary, in a very nontraditional decision, has asked all of her handlers and doctors to go back to the dressing room.  They can only watch this fight.  No doctor or handler can step in. There is no referee. It’s only Mary vs. the Disease”

“The bell rings and the fight is on.  Family and friends look on as Mary’s condition has weakened.  She can hardly stand in the ring.  She is exhausted and wobbly.  The clock ticks by.  Each second seems like an hour.  In spite of her feeble state, Mary  keeps challenging Disease to hit her.  She chides Disease for being weak.  She challenges Disease to take his best shot.  Disease laughingly throws a few punches.  The weakened Mary goes to one knee on the first punch.  Mary gets up.  She challenges Disease to hit harder.  Disease obliges and Mary goes down again.  Mary gets up.  Barely able to stand, and barely able to speak, she gestures to Disease to hit  her again.  Disease, again, throws a punch which knocks down Mary.  Remember no referee, no handlers, no doctors at ringside, no one can stop this fight.  It’s a brave, last stand for this warrior who is clearly no match for a strong Disease.  Mary gets up again!!  Family and friends at ringside are teary.  They cannot do anything to stop this.  They are watching Mary fade away.  Minutes later, there are no more punches, there are no more gestures, there are no more comments.  The fight is over.”

Mary fought her last round. She was a gallant fighter who survived and lived against all the odds.  She managed to get knocked down, get up, fight and live. She continued to do this for many years.  However on July 10, 2013 she was no match against a strong disease.

All fighters who have fought their last round get memorialized with a 10 bell salute in order to remember their time in the ring.This one is for Mary:

10 bell salute

In the sport of boxing, we cheer for our favorite fighters in each of their fights.  We relish their victories, and root for their comebacks when they lose.  In real life, we do the same.  The major difference, however, is that when a person loses, there is no rematch, and the losses are more painful.   What this tells me is that we have to rely on the basic tenet of any type of recovery; we have today.

 

 

 

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The Fight

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Let’s go to ringside to our announcer for this world title fight.

“This fight is between Mary and the Disease.  Now Disease is a heavy favorite to win this fight based upon its long history of defeating opponents.  Mary is a game challenger with  lots of desire to win this fight and claim the title.

Round 1:  Disease starts off slow examining Mary’s weaknesses.  Throws a short punch.  Mary winces in pain.  Disease throws another punch producing more pain.  Disease is smiling.  Mary attempts to return the punch.  Disease laughs and smiles and says “is that all you got”?  Mary is demoralized and feels bad.  Disease goes for the knockout.  Mary is rocked.  The bell rings ending round one. Family and friends watching the fight at ringside are shocked and upset.

Round 2:  Mary starts off strong.  Throws a few punches to gain an advantage over Disease.  Disease continues to smile and mock Mary.  Disease throws punch after punch after punch.  Mary has no response.   In fact, she has no defense for the Disease. She is getting weaker, more defeated looking,  and on the verge of going down.  Disease throws a solid right-left combination. Mary goes down!  She barely  gets up as beats the bell sounds ending round 2.”

       In the corner after round 2, the ringside doctor comes and looks at Mary.  The doctor says to Mary “ you need treatment”.  Mary argues at first, and reluctantly agrees.

Round 3 “ Mary starts slowly.  She is still sluggish after the last round.  She doesn’t know if the treatment will help.  Disease jabs, and continues to jab.  Mary ducks one jab, and fires back.  The crowd roars. Disease again jabs continues to score with more jabs.   Mary weaves past the jab and fires back a left-right combination, follows back with a jab of her own.  Disease, for the first time in this fight, takes a step back.  The round ends.  All family and friends give Mary a standing ovation for her fight.

Round 4 Mary, with renewed confidence and strength, starts the round off strongly firing a series of jabs and straight right hands to Disease.  Disease flinches a little, and fires back a solid one-two punch.  Mary takes the punch rolls to the left and counters the one-two with a ferocious uppercut.  Disease is wobbly. Mary fires a 3 punch combination.  Disease is wobbly again.  Another 3 punch combination and Disease goes down!!!! ….. Disease get up.  The round ends.  Mary is winning the fight!!!  The crowd is electric with chants of Mary, Mary, Mary!!!”

       Between rounds Mary is excited by her progress, she sees that she is beating the       Disease.  Her   confidence is growing.  She knows that she’s going to be ok.

Round 5 “ Disease slowly walks to the ring and throws out a lazy jab.  Mary counters with a strong left.  Mary  throws a good 2 punch combination.  Mary looks strong.  Disease fakes a right, throws a left.  The punch seems to stagger Mary.  Mary comes forward throws a beautiful hook that hits Disease.  Disease nods in acknowledgment.  Disease comes back fakes a right again, and throws a viscous left hook, followed by a right uppercut.  Mary is wobbly.  An overhand right by Disease ends round 5.  Mary looks shaken.

Round 6  Disease comes out strong and confident.  Mary  is still wobbly after the last round.  Disease goes out to end this fight. Throws a  4 punch combination and then throws another 3 punch combination.  Mary has no defense for these punches.  Mary tries to counter.  Her punches have no snap to them.  Disease fires an uppercut straight up the middle.  Mary goes down!!!!  Her family and friends yell ‘get up’.  Mary gets up barely beating the count.”

In Mary’s corner, Mary says ”I want to keep fighting this fight I can win” .The corner people aren’t  sure if they should  let Mary go out for another round.  The doctor examines Mary and  says either start treatment again or this fight is over.  Mary says Ok to treatment.

Round 7  “Disease is very confident.  Starts strong.  Throws 3 jabs.  Mary takes all 3 without responding.  Mary throws a  weak looking hook.  Family and friends at ringside look worried.  Disease smiles and throws a solid one-two.   Disease misses an uppercut that would have ended the fight.  Mary finds her footing.  Throws 3 solid punches.  Disease fires back with 3 more jabs.  Mary throws a right hook followed by a jab.  Mary looks exhausted.  The bell sounds ending round 7.

Round 8 “This is the final round of the fight.  Mary is tired.  Disease looks strong.  Mary starts off first and throws a powerful jab.  She follows with a left hook that seems to hurt Disease.  Disease throws a counter right hand that hurts Mary.  Both fighters are weary after this grueling fight.  Mary has a determined look in her eye.  She’s aware that on the scorecards, she may be losing this fight.  She gamely throws punches, one, two, three punch combination, that rocks Disease.  Another solid jab that pushes Disease back.  Disease comes back with with a brutal left hook that rocks Mary.  Mary is wincing from that shot.  Her legs are wobbly, her brain is fuzzy.  She wants to win the fight, but her body is fighting her.  Family and friends at ringside are cheering loudly.  The bell sounds ending the fight”

Mary was a game competitor in this fight.  It may be her last one.  We don’t know how much damage all those punches took out of her.  Disease took some punishment but we know that Disease will always be back for another fight.  The decision is in the hands of the judges.

Dedicated to a special person fighting perhaps her last fight

 

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Stormy Monday

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(The original version of this blog was  written  after Superstorm Sandy.  It was a narrative of the events of the storm and the many feelings that were going on. The original was “written’  in my head at 5AM one day as I was hoping and praying to go back to sleep. Making a decision to not get up and write this at 5am in  a house void of power and heat would have  made a long day, longer. For people in new york, Hoboken, South Jersey and theJersey Shore, Sandy has been nothing but longer days. Although it makes me feel guilty for writing about my lost power and lost heat,  these are my reflections and recollections of the “lost week”)

 As everyone knows the date of October 29, 2012 will always be with us as the date that Superstorm Sandy (SSS)decimated much o fNJ, created havoc, chaos and unforeseen damage.  Sss for people in northern NJ was a long drawn out process creating anticipation and anxiety.  The beginnings of the stages of grief started that Monday,–there was denial—“they don’t know what they’re talking about, they’re always wrong”. As the storm progressed there was bargaining  “ok the people in NY and in the shore, they’re getting it bad, maybe we’ll just have some rain and a little wind.” There was  more denial, more bargaining and then darkness.

The darkness was the onset of many of the feelings we began to feel.  Here are some of  them;

1)anxiety, boredom, isolation

The darkness brought anticipatory anxiety– When will the power come back?  How long will this last? Is there some place to go?  The anxiety gave us ultimate powerlessness. We lacked control.   Most  people are used to structure, control, and predictability in their lives. When the rug gets pulled on these, you get lots of  anxiety. This anxiety for many had physiological symptoms which made the anxiety worse.  The worsening anxiety led to a decrease in functioning which made for a very bad time.   In addition to anxiety, there was an increase in isolation.  In the state of emergency that we were in, staying in was the only safe option.  However, staying home in cold and dark homes increased the isolation, anxiety, and boredom. Once the state of emergency lifted, the gas crisis hit.  The anxiety and isolation were multiplied because people were afraid to go far, fearful of having to be either without gas, or waiting on monster gas lines. So the alternative was to stay home.   Staying in the dark and cold also increased our boredom.  The boredom increased once 5pm happened since it was darker.  The draining of energy due to anxiety, isolation and boredom  became a new stressor due to the monotony of life.

2) anger, depression

As the days went on,  people’s anger and frustration increased.  JCP&L  became an easy target. they were the bad guys, they messed up, how could they have dropped the ball again-after Hurricane Irene just one year earlier?  Some of us vented this anger at JCP&L customer service reps(sorry) who were overmatched and underinformed.

People began to run out of gas for their generators and cars and  searched for gas.  People lined up for hours, at times based on only a rumor that a particular station would open.  Other people started their search in the early morning trying to avoid the lines.  Others sojourned to Pennsylvania where there was less impact by sss. Gas  lines brought out the worst in people.  There were fist fights, arguments, and more expressions of people’s total lack of control and ultimate panic.

Our lack of  electrical power,  left our electronic devices as a nice pieces of plastic with little value beyond that.  Charging stations opened in all communities and although this should have increased hope, and decreased isolation, it  actually increased frustration, anger and depression.

In addition, people spent a good amount of time at home  avoiding gas lines, and seemingly increasing their safety and security.  However, As the week went on,  family members spent way  too much time together.  This caused frustration and tension and many conflicts within couples and families.

As bad as the anxiety, depression, anger, frustration, and isolation were, oddly, there were also positive things that happened as a result of the storm.

3) increased family connections

Family members talked and talked and talked.  There were no technological distractions.  People could share stories, events, and history of things  that were rarely talked about.  Kids played board(bored) games and cards.  Some turned the experience into a camping trip using fireplaces and having that “roughing it” experience of camping.

4) people were nicer

As much as some people were short tempered, there was also a sense of community—we were all in this together. Everyone was compassionate about other people’s struggles.  We wanted to listen to their stories about lack of power, heat, and water.     In one local bagel place, it sounded like group therapy, with everyone sharing their particular issue.  In addition, I  heard many stories of neighbors helping neighbors with food, gas, tree cutting, running electrical extensions to generators.  In  the nicest and weirdest story, absolute strangers joining the cause to help others

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CBdEb7FXiw

5) people utilized skills that they typically  wouldn’t

Many people used all of their “handy man skills”, especially when typically they don’t use them.    Trees got cut, people rigged up ways to continue to survive. For me, I did the unthinkable, I waited on lines.   I have a well know “line allergy”.  I do not stand on checkout lines.  In fact,  I hardly go to stores.  However in sss, I gratefully sat on a gas line, stood on line at dunkin donuts, waited for a table at a restaurant. I think this metamorphosis of my personality was in part due to a lack of things to do. Since I was unable to work due to the lack of power, these tasks became my new work.  My goal for the day—get gas-check.  Need warm beverages and food-check.  Necessity and survival allow people to do things they wouldn’t ordinarily do.

The stages of grief—(denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance) were all the stages we went through with sss.  It was strange when acceptance occurred—all the energy used to fight the difficult feelings went away.  It just was a situation that would eventually have an end,  And it did.  One month later we are all changed in some way by this storm.  As 2012 comes to an end for us northern NJ people, we will think about our pain and hopefully be grateful that it’s over.  In the other local areas, it will be a long time until their nightmare ends.

I usually associate many memories with music. Many of these songs are storm related, so it will take a while before people hear the following songs in quite the same way:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgFHM8HMbWQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-WMbP1RcC4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OI2COawqMJQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTBv4kAdk_w

 

This one, however, captures my exact feelings and is the one I’ll hold onto for a long time:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gDhR1R3S0s

Hope all of you have recovered from the storm.  Please share your storm experiences.

 

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Make The Best of What’s Around

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Here is the latest episode of Tales From the Office

 

Make the Best of What’s Around

Today’s  show  is a combination of 2 of my loves, music and sports.  The first “make the best of what’s around” tells us about some very courageous folks who seem to know how to get by and get ahead in spite of major obstacles.  The second tale “the daily racing form” is sage advice if you’re looking to get to winner’s circle in the most important race you’ll ever run.

 

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