John Wooden died yesterday at age 99.  He leaves with us many things.  Most importantly is the Pyramid of Success with is applicable to everything in life.  Enjoy and use it often for your own success.

Thank you John Wooden.

However there is a different form of hell known quite intimately by people with addictions.  It is the “highway to hell".

On the highway to hell, the addicted person is driving on a path of self destruction, they are going to continue to use, going to continue to have problems and consequences, and continue to do it again and again.  There is no escape, there are no exits, there is only pain, and more pain.  This highway is littered with the ultimate consequences of addiction “jails, institutions and death".

While driving on the highway to hell without exits, occasionally there is a sign which reads “turnaround ahead".  Depending on the speed that I am driving, I may or may not see it.  If I don’t see it through may addicted haze, I’ll continue to drive with the same reckless abandon that I have been driving with.  There may be many signs: “disaster ahead", “cops approaching” “brick wall .5 miles ahead” “lightpost beyond the turn", “wife leaving”–I may not be reading them, I may however be feeling them shortly.

These “signs” may lead to that “moment of clarity” an opportunity to examine my addiction.  This clarity may lead me to examine my addiction privately or even publically–at a 12 step meeting,  with a counselor,  at a treatment facility, or even in a jail or hospital.  Optimistically speaking, after my examination, I decide to make major lifestyle changes, and get off the highway to hell.  

However, many people don’t make an examination, and some people who do, are not ready to keep this change.  For reasons known to them, and for reasons not known to them, they get back on the highway to hell and drive even faster and more recklessly than before.  They know that they will crash(particularly the ones that did any type of self-examination) and they know it will not be pretty. Sometimes however, it is that pain which starts the process of recovery to occur.

The process of recovery is a  strange and beautiful thing. It occurs in my greatest pain, but changes my life so dramatically. It is in fact “amazing” that it happens  at all and we’ll discuss how it happens next time.

  To make this point clearer, listen to this song by Pure Prairie League entitled “Amie".  You have to wait unit  3:47 into the song to hear it.  So since I’ve told you where to look, pay careful attention

Here are the lyrics for the last part:

I keep falling in and out of love with you
Falling in and out of love with you
Don’t know what I’m gonna do
I keep falling in and out of love with you, ooh

The last line “falling in and out of love with you” is the one we want because  the word IN  is the homerun– I love you, but am I “in” love with you?  That 2 letter word “in” is so potent in relationships.  Most people who have been in long term relationships can easily say I love him or her, but struggle to say that they are in love with that person.  

How does that change?  In many relationships the “in” is eroded by problems in the marriage.  These may be the “big ticket” items–addiction, abuse, mood disorders, anxiety disorders,etc. or may be the day to day— we stopped talking, our lives are too busy, the kids came, the job took over etc.  In either case,  in order to get the “in” back, we have lots of work to do.  Clearly the communication skills that we have been talking about(last 3 blog entries) will be of great assistance here since clearly we need to begin to discuss the problems in a healthier way.  If we have the  big ticket items version those issues have to be dealt with first.    It’s amazing to me how many people come for couple’s counseling in order to fix their partner’s issues. (look for a more in-depth discussion in the blog entitled “she’s got issues” coming to a blog near you)  Those major issues are the first part of any type of treatment with the relationship a distant third.  If the person with the major issues fixes their problem, and the partner fixes their issues, then the relationship has a chance for not only repair, but rebirth  as it finds that “in love” place.  Ironically, it’s the couples with the day to day erosion that have the harder time getting the “in” back.  The structure of the relationship, whether  caused by kids, work, or distance, has created the  problems. The structure of the relationship  has gotten stuck over time.  It  has to be changed to produce a new relationship with good communication, good intimacy, and a good partnership.  If that sounds as hard to you as it does to me, than you know we have a lot of work ahead of us.  To get this “in” back, we’re going to need some in-depth, in-siteful, and in-tense work in order to produce change.  Its very doable work, but work none the less.  When all is said and done, we want the song  lyric to be “I keep  falling in love with you”

When communication goes awry, people don’t hear.  They react,  and then their partner  reacts to the reactions.  The result is  conflict.  I find it amazing and fascinating to watch how couples communicate in my office–they do not hear what their partner is saying.

Let’s look at how this goes:

P 1 : I’m having a hard time at work, the boss is really driving me crazy

P2:  You’re having a tough time, all you do is talk on the phone all day, how could that be a problem?

P1:  Well all you do is going to meetings, how could that be hard, to sit down, and fall asleep!!!

P2  Fall asleep?…………….

you know where this is going………………………..

Let’s put some listening in this:

 P 1 : I’m having a hard time at work, the boss is really driving me crazy

P2:  I hear you, my job is stressful.  I just feel lots of pressure

P1  I think we both are pretty stressed, but I think my boss is crazier!!!

P2  You’re right!!!

ah much better………………………….

In the second example, partner 2 does not react to partner 1.  Partner  2 listens and understands, and doesn’t play the "can you top this" game. It leads to a shared moment for both.  Now you’re gonna argue with me about this and say if you got screaming kids  and aerobic dinners, there’s no way to have this conversation as nicely as you outlined it.  I would say, that you are totally right!! The time to have this conversation is not around the screaming kids–it’s necessary to have this conversation after the kids are asleep, in that very delicate window between pre-coma and coma.    Couples need to listen and understand and validate and communicate with each other on a regular basis.  They need to share the daily business of the day, the scheduling, the coming events.  They  also need to share their feelings  about day to day things and about meaningful things.  They need to have richness and intimacy in their lives.  So their relationship can be this:

Listening to you I get the music.
Gazing at you I get the heat.
Following you I climb the mountain.
I get excitement at your feet!

All of these feelings  come from communication–speaking, listening, sharing, understanding.  This is very doable stuff, but takes lots of hard work and practice.  The rewards are greater than the risk, but listening is the key ingrediant.  From the couples that I’ve worked with, the improvements that they made gave new life to a relationship that was going the wrong way.  Ultimately the partnership that was put together with communciation was long lasting and fulfilling.  How can you do that with your relationship?

After the Jets win over the Oakland Raiders on Sunday, I was reminded of the phrase that Al Davis the maverick owner of the Raiders is famous for: .JUST WIN BABY

Couples need a version of his great slogan–”Just Validate Baby!!!”

In a previous post, I addressed the need for communication using the 15 words of less model of communication. If we take this a step further, communication can now have specific 15 words of less. It can have validation, a confirmation of the communication which tells the listener “I understand/ what you are saying makes sense to me/ you are not a martian.

Why is this so important? Let’s find out:

person A ” I’m really afraid that our kids are going to grow up to be bad people, I mean they do all these weird things”

person B ” Don’t be so dramatic, you always blow things out of proportion”

person A “I can’t talk to you, you never listen to me; you always put me down”

person B “Who could listen to you, you’re a crazy person!”

So how’s this conversation going?!!!!

Let’s try it with a little validation:

person A ” I’m really afraid that our kids are going to grow up to be bad people, I mean they do all these weird things”

person B “I understand that you’re worried about our kids” They’ll be ok, just a little growing pains”

person A “Do you really think so, they’re just not like us at all”

person B “yes I do”.

Ok so what’s the difference? Oh a conversation and an argument.

Validation is one of the simplest communication tools, because you just have to, er, um, validate!!!!! Don’t defend, explain, criticize, blame, attack–Just Validate Baby!!!!!

If you’re validating, you’re listening and paying attention. It probably means, you need to at least mute the tv, put down the laptop or blackberry. Most of us can’t listen and do these things at the same time. In our fast paced technological world, listening has become old school– its easier to text, facebook, twitter or email. These one way communication methods require no listening skills. How would a person practice listening if the new school version requires none of it?

Validation enhances relationships and can lead to greater depth of communication and more intimate sharing. In a future post we’ll discuss how to do that, but for now –Just Validate Baby!!!